Friday Night

So I am going on this insane total-not date with this tomorrow. Seriously, it’s not a date. Its just a bunch of his friends (and their girlfriends) but we aren’t dating and I am border-line scared he might ask me out or try to kiss me or something. Now my other friend, is going too, and I really don’t know what to do now, because I was hoping that I could have one night out with me and a guy for once since my last boyfriend which didn’t work out well in November. We were going to go to dinner but now that he-who-shall-not-be-named is going, it is going to go bad again. I hope that I am just stressing over nothing and there is nothing to worry about. But I don’t think he-who-shall-not-be-named is going to take ANY mercy at all on me. This is going to go so bad I can already feel it. I am preparing for the worst but hoping for the best. I told the guy that I am going with how I felt about him, that I really like talking to him and he is basically perfect to me and he always makes my day better. He said that he felt the same and he liked me a lot. I still don’t think that that is enough for it to be a date. Anyway, I hope this isn’t a total flop for me becuase I am so excited to meet him because we have only DM’ed on Instagram and texted. I feel like he isn’t real because ever since my ex-boyfriend and I broke up, I have been a total zombie, I wait for my ex to text me on the weekends and I don’t go out anymore. This will be the first time I have went out besides school in almost 7 months. This guy makes me feel like a human again. My ex has been so mean to me, but I have been mean to him too, so I guess we are even but I kinda want him back. This guy, who’s name is Mark (His name isn’t actuallly Mark, SAVING IDENTITIES HERE), makes me forget about James (Also, not his name), I sit around on the weekend waiting for Mark to text me instead of James. I haven’t forgotten about James yet, but I still think about Mark constantly. We aren’t in love yet, but he makes me very happy and I hope this lasts instead of a short two months. Those two months of my life with James was great, but I miss him so much and I honestly have no idea why I even thought about breaking up with James. I love talking with Mark but I really wish I could take breaking up with James back still. I remember we danced at one of our 9th Grade dances last year and we were so happy, two days later, I broke up with him. I cried and I cried and I cried. I was so unhappy then and it seemed like a good idea at the time, but it was a very bad idea to put it an easy way. I miss James a lot but Mark is slowly helping me get over him. I hope this goes tomorrow.

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Last Words

Last words are one of my favorite things to learn about. They are your last chance to leave your imprint on the world, your last chance to change something, something you have always wanted to say and it is your last chance to leave that footstep. My favorite last words are “The sadness will last forever.” by Vincent van Gogh right after he shot himself in a barn or in a field (there is divergence between whether it was a field or barn) and died a few hours later. The best thing is, you will never know what your last words will be, who knows, these might be mine, right after I write this I have a miraculous heart attack or stroke and die a horrid, brutal death. General William Erskine said “Now why did I do that?” after he jumped from a window in Portugal, in 1813. Frank Sinatra died after saying “I’m losing it.” Last words symbol death but at the same time, a new beginning of a new period of life, for every two people that die every second, four are born per second. According to ecology.com , there are 250 births per minute and 105 deaths each second. There is an end, but there is also a new beginning. 131.4 million people are born each year and 55.3 die.

In the end, there are more first words than last words. Choose yours wisely, along with all the others in between your first and last. Think before you say because all the words between your first and last because some can be painful to others. Choose your words discreetly.

First post… Sorry if it sucks…

Hi, my name is Sydney, and this is my new blog. It kinda tells how I feel at certain points because I am too emotionally unstable to tell how I feel to anyone else because I’m kinda socially deprived and I get random anxiety attacks at school when I feel like everyone is watching me… I was the only girl on our football team… I get a lot more attention than I am used to. I had a boyfriend named Mason and I really want him back, until about 1pm today when I got shoved down a flight of stairs by him. A few of my football buddies ran after him to beat him up but I didn’t see because I was too busy having an anxiety attack after everyone was looking at me. Anyway, I’m really sorry if this sucks but  I want to start this blog because I hope that I can help other people and inspire them if they have the same daily problems as me, and maybe I can help them and they will certainly help me… thank you so much for reading this so far… I will learn the controls ASAP so I know them the next time I update which will hopefully be soon. Thanks again!!!